You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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