So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
