I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
