so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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