he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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