I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize