They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i came on her dog
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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