I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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