I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
