i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Im part way to drunk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
