Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
