my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
