i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
