mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
