I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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