I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
