life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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