I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
