The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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