I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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