i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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