i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
