my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
