why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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