everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I deserve this hangover.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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