Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
