He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize