and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize