OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
