Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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