cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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