Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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