I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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