you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
