I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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