does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
