I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
