mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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