don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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