You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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