I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize