how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
