Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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