i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My hand turned me down
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
