What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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