I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i drank out of a bidet.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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