Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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