Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
