dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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