Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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