I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
