So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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