the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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