clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
