Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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