Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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