Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
