walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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