Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
